Mukaam…

Mujhe kuch samajh nahi aa raha he ki me kya likhu aur kya nahi. Me zindagi ki us raah par atak gaya hu jaha na mujhe kuch na sochane pe majboor hona padh raha he. Har taklif mere sar pe ek hi waqt mandara rahi he. Zindagi me kuch cheeze na paane ka dar, aur un cheezo ko paana ka hosla apne aap khatam ho raha he. Khushi se rehne ki to me bhi bahut koshish kar raha hu, lekin kuch cheeze bich me aisi aa rahi he ki mujhe rukna padh raha he. Kabhi kabhi aisa lagta he ki me apne aap se dhoka kar raha hu.

Darta hu me bahut un cheezo se jo mujhe aage chalne se rok sakti he. Mera hosla upar nahi uth raha he. Aisa lag raha he mujhe kuch rok raha he aage badhne se, nidar hone se. Pyar sach me bahut buri cheez he, wo tumhare andar k hosle ko khatam kar deti he. Vishwas hum rakh sakte he, lekin usi vishwas se hume taklif ho to aage badhne ka kya fayda.

Me apne aap pe vishwas rkhne ki bahut koshish karta hu, lekin kahi na kahi koi darr us vishaw ko, mere andar ke vishwas ko khatam kar deta he. Mujhe khush hona he, nidar hoke jeena he. Me apne aap se sawaal har baar puchta hu ki kya me sahi kar raha hu, ya galat sahare me jee raha hu. Jine ka maksad jab badalta he to insaan ko aise hi lagne lagta he. Me wo ful ban gaya hu, ki agar use koi paani de to bhi me na ugu aur na de to na murjhane ki himmat bhi rakhu.

Kaash zindagi me sab thik hota. Meri padhai, mera pyar, meri vyaktik zindagi. Shayad ien sab ko me khushi se ek hi waqt sambhal paata. Lekin us zindagi ka naam zindagi na rehta agar sab kuch thik hota.

Mera naam Anurag he, Me Nashik se belong karta hu. Meri school ki padhai desh ke har kone me hui he jaise Agra, Chandigarh, Banglore kyunki mere pitaji Bhartiya Vayu Sena (Indian Air Force) me the. Jab unhone Bhartiya Vayu Sena se Nivrutti (Retirement) li to hum Banglore me rehte the. Me tab Aathavi kaksha me padhta tha. Meri Dadi ka dehant bhi usi samay hua. To mere pitaji ne faisala kiya ki hum Maharastra jayenge. Ji ha dosto, Me Maharastra se belong karta hu.

Kuch din baad hum Nashik aa gaye, aur yahi pe humne ghar le liya, Pitaji ko bhi fir se Goverment Service HAL (Hindustan Aeronautics ltd) me achi padwi pe bharti ho gaye. Aur me bhi aathvi kaksha se apni padhai aage badhai. Meri daswi hui, fir mera Junior college bhi Nashik me hua. College me ache number aane ki wajah se mere Pitaji ne kaha ki tumhe jo karna he wo karo hum tumhe kisi bhi cheez ka dabaw nahi denge. Meri ruchi hamesha filmo me rahi h…unko kaise banate he, kaise unko likha jaata he. Mujhe foriegn launguages ki movies dekhana pasand tha, me hindi movies bht kam dekhta tha. Tab Zindagi to dekhane ka najariya mera kuch alag hi tha. Me khush tha. Mene nirnay liya ki me PUNE jaunga aur Mass communication me admission lunga aur apna graduation usi me karunga. Mere gharwaalo ne mujhe ies cheez me mera saath diya. Me Pune pahuncha…Mere Zindagi ke sabse behtareen lamho ki shuruwaat ho chuki thi. Naye dost, Nayi jagah. idhar udhar ghumane ki khushi, hostel me rehne ka maja kuch alag hi tha. Bahut tarah ke dost bane kisine sath diya to kisine chod diya, kisise jhagda hua to kisise shikayat. Jab abhi me ye sab kuch sochta hu to apne aap pe bahut hansi aati he ki kis tarah se jiye mene wo teen saal. Us Dauran mujhe ek ladki se pyar bhi hua, jo ki har kisiko apne college days m hota he, aur har ek ko lagta he ki unki story special he. Mujhe bhi wahi lagta tha.

Wo ladki mujhse do saal badi thi, meri shikayat, mera ghussa, mera bholapan wo sahan karti rahi teen saal.Hum log bahut aage badh chuke the. Usne apne ghar pe bhi bata diya tha humare baare me. Farak sirf itna tha ki me pyar to karta tha par apne ghar pe bata na saa, kyunki mere gharwaale kuch bolte to nahi lekin naraaz ho jaate ki itne jaldi mene kisi ladki ke sath rehne ka faisla kaise kar liya. Hum dono ka pyar bhara sambhand chalta raha. Bahut jhagde bhi hue, Nateeza…kya hona tha …jo har kisi k sath hota he. DHoka. Pehle to sab kuch thik rehta he, lekin me sacchai apne aap saamne aani lagti he. Samajh nahi aaya ki me kya karu. Wo ladki mere sath aise kaise kar sakti he, jisne mujhe hazaaro bandhano me bhaandh diya tha. Me bahut roya, uske ghar ke aas paas ghumta lekin mujhe kuch safalta prapt nahi hui use samjhane ki, ya batane ki. Wo mujhe puri tarah se bhool gayi thi. Us dauran mera college bhi khatam ho gaya tha aur me apne ghar fir wapas laut ke aa gaya, me apne graduation ke results ka wait kar raha tha aur soch raha tha aage kya karu. Mujhe uski yaad din raat satati thi, use bhool paana namumkeen k barabar ho chuka tha. Me bahar ghumane bhi jaata to akele me baith k rota.

Usi dauran facebook pe ek ladki meri dost bani jiska naam tha Akanksha, meri usse baate badhane lagi. Usi Nashik me eng. kar rahi thi aur hostel me rehti thi. Me use kayi baar milne gaya. Wo bht achi thi. Me tabtak mere college ke pyar ko bhoolane laga tha lekin yaad aati thi aur sochta tha ki shayad wo hoti to me thoda behtar hota. Lekin fir sochta ki jo filhaal apne paas he usse dur jaana bhi buri baat ho sakti he. Humara milne ka silsila chalta raha.

Ek din mere graduation ka result aaya aur usme bhi mene ache numbero se paas ho chuka tha. Mere gharwaale bahut khush the. Mene use bhi bataya, hum roz raat ko baate karte the. Wo bahut achi thi. Fir mene nirnay liya ki me Pune hi jaake apne job dhundunga. Mene HP me job kiya aur wo Nashik me hi padhti thi. Milna humara kam hua, lekin pyar nahi. Aise karte karte ek saal khatam hua, aur usne bhi decide kiya ki wo Pune aayegi apne mausi ke paas aur SAP ka course karegi. Tab tak mene bhi apni job switch karne ka faisla kar liya tha kyunki meri growth ho chuki thi, aur dusri companies se offers bhi bahut aa rahe the. Mene Infosys me interview diya. Aur infosys me job karne laga, wo bhi Pune aa chuki thi aur SAP ke classes dhundh rahi thi. Usne classes shuru kar di, aise karte karte aur 2-3 mahine bit gaye aur ek hi city me rehne ke bawajood bhi hum mil nahi paate the kyunki me aur wo dono apne kaamo me busy rehte the. lekin humari baate roz hoti thi. Tab tak mere pitaji ne Nashik me dusre jagah ghar le liya tha. Wo apne society ki bahut tarif karte the, kehte the ki yaha k log ache he…hum functions karte, bahar ghumate jaate. ye sunke mujhe acha bhi lagta, sochta tha ki waha chale jau, apne gharwaalo ke paas, kyunki ek waqt aisa aa gaya tha ki me pune ki lifestyle se bore ho gaya tha.Me har jagah ghum chuka tha, har enjoyment mene kar li thi. Pune mere mann ka ek hissa ban chuka tha. Jaha mere gharwaale shift hue the recently waha ek ladki rehti thi jiske baare me mujhe jyada pata nahi tha, lekin mujhe thode din baad ye pata chala ki wo ladki mujhe like karti he.Mene jyada dhyan nahi diya kyunki me pehle hi ek relationship me tha, to bhi wo mujhe chup chup ke msgs karti thi. Me jab bich bich me apne gharwaalo ko milne jaata tha, tab wo ladki mujhe milti hum baate karte lekin mujhe kabhi aisa laga hi ni ki us ladki ko mere liye feelings he. Me akanksha ke sath nakhush rehne laga kyunki wo mujhe kuch thik se nahi batati thi, to bhi mera pura dhyan usi ke upar tha. Lekin uske bhi msgs aate the jo mere Nashik k society me rehti thi. me pareshan ho chuka tha. Nashik jaata to us ladki ke sath mere sambhand aur badhne lage. me use kehta rehta ki apna koi future nahi kyunki me pune me rehta hu aur tum Nashik me. TO bhi wo nahi maanti thi. Ek din aisa aaya ki mujhe infosys chodna pada, uski baato ne, aur uske lagaaw ne mujhe PUne chodane k liye majboor kar diya tha. Ye baat Akanksha ko nahi pata thi, wo mere taraf us samay jyada dhayn nahi deti thi. Me bhi kaam k wajah se aur usi cheez k wajah se frustrate rehta tha.
Akhirkar me Nashik aaya aur ies ladki ke saath mere sambhand badhne lage. Nashik me aake me job dhundane laga. Mujhe 15/12/2014 ko job mila Nashik me. Me bahut khush tha, lekin Akanksha ke sath sambhand jaari the, New year 2015 ka pehla din tha, me use call pe call laga raha tha lekin usne mera call ni uthaya. Wo mujhe bahut avoid karne lagi, me bahut ro raha tha. Me bahut frustrate ho gaya tha. 3 Tarik ko shyam ko uska call aaya aur usne mujhe bataya ki wo nahi rehna cahati mere sath. Me puri tarah se tut gaya tha. Ye sochkar ki jo ladki aayi he mere life me uska koi future nahi, aur jis ladki ke sath future ki planning ki thi, wo chod ke ja rahi he. Samajh nahi aa raha tha ki me kya karu. Aakhirkar mene 4 tarik ko mene faisla kiya ki Akanksha ke sath nahi rehna he. Me zindagi ke us mukam pe tha ki mujhe kuch nahi samajh raha tha. Fir duniya ne mere liye jo faisla kiya he uske sath chalne ka faisla kiya. Hum ek dusre me lagn hone lage, aur wo mujhe samjhane lagi ki tumhe strong hona padega, apna future he. Me sunta raha lekin mujhe vishwas nahi tha. Aise karte karte pyar jhagde bahut hue. Aaj bhi wo ladki mere sath he, lekin mujhe abhi bhi vishwas nahi ki humara future hoga, kyunki zindagi me mene itne dhoke khaye he ki ab vishwas rakhna namumkeen sa ho gaya he. pichali raat usne mujhe phone pe bataya ki mujhe strong hona padega. Sawaal mere man me bahut aa rahe he. Me us sawaalo se deal nahi kar pa raha hu. mujhe roz taklif ho rahi he. Sochta rehta hu ki jo mere sath pehle hua, agar fir se hua to me kya karunga. kyunki iske baad pyar karne ka mauka mujhe nahi milega. Pata nahi me kya karu. Me puri tarah se tut chuka hu.
lekin Hope kar raha hu ki mera future acha ho, safal ho.

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