I AM MISSING YOU:'( – Aparna

I AM MISSING YOU:'(

Wo saath tha humare ya hum paas the uske ???
Wo zindagi ke kuch din ya zindagi thi kuch din ???

Mujhe aj tak yaad hai vo din jab mene prem ko first time notice kiya. Us time I was in 10th. In the month of January, there were only 2 girls in batch of nearly 20 students in my coaching. Ek din mein aur meri friend text book lana bhul gye the, at that moment we are just like dumb stupid but tabhi ek boy apni book de deta h and mene use simply thanks bol diya. Even mene kisi se book maga bhi nhi tha par sayad vo samajh gya tha..that was the moment jab mene first time use notice kiya. Hum bachpan se same school me padte the. Mene kuchh logo se suna tha ki vo kafi rude hai and specially girls se. But me kisi bhi diversion se door rahti thi so mujhe kisi individual ke bare mein pata nhi tha ki uska behavior kaisa hai and etc. But mene jaisa sabse suna tha mujhe vo sabse different lga, I mean much better than whatever I hear about him. I think mein sayad attract hone lagi thi usse but us time itni innocent thi ki pta nhi chala. Us time na mein use apna friend manti thi na love. Because us time tak mujhe pta hi nhi tha ki love ek pure feeling hoti hai, mein sochti thi ki jab ek ladka ladki ki friendship hoti hai ese love bolte hai. Jab 10th board ke roll number aye, I found ki uska roll number just mere se aage hai. Sach me ye shocking tha kyuki uska starting letter P (i.e. prem) and mera starting letter is S (i.e. shreya). Boards ke roll number alphabetically arranged hote hai, esiliye ye really hamara luck tha ki…

hamare roll number ke beech me ek girl ka roll number aur ana chahiye tha rashi ka.But sayad bhagwanji ne kuchh aur hi socha hua tha. Exam begins first paper sanskrit ka tha mene apna 99 and half marks ka paper attempt kr liya but I was just above average student in my school time. So me us half marks ke question ko chhodna nhi chahti thi.I call slowly a girl next to him that was rashi I asked him. Lekin vo thoda door thi to usne mujhe sun nhi paya Lekin prem ne sun liya and he replied me the answer. And us moment se mere liye uski respect aur badh gyi. Har paper me I start to feel more and more for him. In the paper of maths I just complete my paper and bad me mene prem ko answer check krne ko bola because mein hamesa jaldwaji me kuchh na kuchh galti kr deti thi… ye sab itne aram se kr rhe the ki examiner ko pta hi nhi chala. Answers check krte time mene dekha ki hamara ek answer match nhi kr rha jab check kiya to pta chla ki mene us question me value dusre question ki put kr di thi. Only 5 minute bache the aur uska ek question bhi bacha tha but sayad usne mere liye apna question chhod kr mujhe btaya tha even examiner usse gussa bhi ho rhe the tab bhi.In the paper of hindi, sitting arrangement change ho gya tha, us din mein paper pr focus nhi kr pa rhi thi…

Sayad mera dhyan kahi aur tha. In paper of social study,paper nearly solve hone ko tha but last me dekha to hame 3 objective nhi aa rhe the.  Time baki tha so hum aram se unhe discuss krne lage. Hum dono ne jo answers bole, un 3 objectives ke vo different the. Usne kaha ki uske sahi hai but mein baht jiddi hu so mene kaha mere sahi hai. I think use thoda trust tha mujh pr so usne mere answers ko hi likha. Exam khatm hone pr jab bahar aye tab pta chala ki uske answers sahi the. That was the first time jab hamne smile share ki. In the paper of science, It was the best day of my 10th. Uska roll number first bench pr tha and mera next to it… I mean on second bench. paper easy tha so hamne two hour me use khatm kr liya. But abhi bhi one hour baki tha examiner hall se bahar jane ko allow nhi krte and vo hamara 10th ka last day tha so hum khus the. Vo kafi khush tha so kafi bate kr rha tha even examiner us ke aage hi khada tha but us ne jyada mana nhi kiya bat krne se because vo exam ka last day tha and hum paper ke bare m bat nhi kr rhe the. Vo bolta rha and me bas use dekh kr khush hoti rhi. Mujhe achachha lg rha tha use haste hue dekhna because vo normally serious rahta tha. Bell baji and hum bahar aa gye. Sabhi khush the ki exam khatm ho gye even me bhi. But ghar ane ke bad me thoda ajeeb feel krne lagi. Ghar me bhai ke sath masti krti thi but phir bhi lgta tha ki kuchh miss kr rhi hu. Mujhe achchha lgta tha sab ke sath exam ki memories share krna actually vo exam ki nhi prem ki memories thi jinhe sabke sath share krne ke liye mein baht excited rahti thi. But actually mein exam ke nhi prem ke bare me sabko btana chahti thi. Meri mumma, friends and bhai.. sabko btati rahti thi. Actually mujhe achha lgta tha uske bare me btana, ya mujhe koi uske bare me btaye. And time was going on its pace.

In 11th,  hum same school me the and hamari physics ki coaching bhi same thi. Ek bar coaching me test hua. Mera sabse pahle ho gya, sir us time free the to mene socha tab tak test check kara leti hu.  Mein sir se test check krwane dusre room me jati hu tab tak prem ka test bhi complete ho jata hai and tab tak prem bhi test le kr aa gya. Vo mere test me marks kam krwane ko mistakes dekhne lga(only for kidding) use ek question me lga ki meri mistake hai . But mujhe pura confidence tha, so jab check kiya tab mein sahi nikli. Esse hum thoda frankly hokr bat krne lge. Vo has rha tha aur mein uske face ki taraf dekhti rhi. Jab hamara test completely check hone wala tha tab tak kuchh aur student vha test complete kr ke aa gye. Hume bat krte dekh unhe ajeeb lga because mein generally boys se bat nhi krti and vo girls se (mere school me not know about his personal life). Kuchh din bad meri best friend ki food poisoning se death ho gyi. Mere liye ye digest krna muskil tha ki ab vo mere sath nhi hai jo hamesa mere sath hoti thi. Esiliye apne mind ko kahi aur set krne ke liye mein coaching gyi to pta chala ki sir ne us din off declared kr diya because vo hamari batchmate bhi thi. But sir ne mujhe samjhane ke liye rok liya, 2 boys bhi vhi ruk gye, prem aur uska friend. Sir ko pta tha ki mein apni friend se bahut attached hu so mujhe samjhane lage. Mujhe rona aa rha tha but prem vha tha esiliye kafi control kiya. Mujhe prem ki presence se indirectly kuchh spiritual support mila. Sayad mere teacher ko bhi misunderstanding ho gyi ki prem and I loves each other. Because during coaching he indirectly cutting jokes on him like ek bar ek boys gf ko le kr funny discussion kr rhe the to ek boy prem ke liye bolta hai ki eski gf to…. aisi honi chahiye tab sir bolte hai vo to already kisi ke sath book hai..After such incident I was also trying to think about him. So I want to make fb account, but mene suna tha ki fb se diversion hota hai. So mein confuse rahti thi ki fb account na bna kr only study pr focus karu ya prem ke liye fb account bna lu. Finally mene study pr focus krna jyada better samjha. Use jb jarurat hoti to vo mujhe notes bhi mag leta tha.mujhe koi problem nhi thi so mein de deti thi. Sab kuchh normally ho rha tha meri kuchh friends jinka roll number 10th exam ke time mere pas tha, bolti thi ki tu generally exam me kisi ko nhi btati but prem ko kyu bta deti thi.

I simply smiled and said bas aise hi yr tu kuchh galat mat samajhna. And they prank with me for this matter. One day as usual I was returning from my tuition then a girl from my batch told me that tumhe pta hai kal kya hua. Mujhe Sach me kuchh pta nhi rhta tha faltu ke kisi bhi matter ka esiliye mene kaha nhi pta to usne btaya ki a boy from my batch named aadi argues with prem. And the matter of argument between them was me. I was shocked ki mene aisa kya kr diya. Tab usne btaya ki aadi loves you since 6th standard. And jab usne dekha ki prem tujhse bat kr rha hai test me to vo jealous hua kyuki use lga ki prem loves me. But prem ne use aisa bola bhi ki aisa kuchh nhi hum sirf achchhe classmate hai but vo phir bhi prem ko trust nhi kr rha tha so finally prem ne bol diya ki haan I loves shreya and mein use poori class ke samne propose karuga 2 din bad valentine day ko. Jab mujhe meri friend ne ye sab btaya tab mein bta nhi sakti apni heartbeat ke bare me. Mujhe itna darr lg rha tha ki kahi vo Sach me aisa na kare, because mein bhi bas use achchha classmate manti thi usse age aur kuchh nhi. Es bat ne mujhe itna affect kiya ki mein apni study me achchhe se concentrate nhi kr pa rhi thi. So,mene mere batch ki ek girl ko sab kuchh btaya ki mein Kaise feel kr rhi hu, usse thoda advantage bhi hua. Valentine day ko mein coaching nhi jana chahti thi because mujhe darr lg rha but agar nhi jati to log kuchh aur samajhte and mein akele coaching nhi jana chahti thi so mein apni ek friend ke sath coaching gyi. Vha prem coaching ke bahar phone pr kisi se bat kr rha tha us time sir nhi aye the so mujhe aur darr lg rha tha. Mujhe bahut darr lg rha tha ki kahi vo Sach me propose na kr de so mein apni friend ke sath jaldi se andar room me chali gyi. Sayad vo samajh gya tha ki mein darr rhi hu ya kuchh aur… usne propose nhi kiya. And then days are going to be normal. One day I bunk the class because mujhe lga ghar me study krna jyada better hai. Sham ko jab mein coaching gyi tab pta chala uska kisi se kuchh jagda ho gya and matter polish station tak chala gya so mein uske liye pray krne mandir gyi meri friends bhi mere sath thi. Sayad vo samajh gyi thi ki mein prem ke liye pray krne ayi hu to vo mazak me indirectly uske liye mujhe tease krti hai. and isi tarah 11th complete ho jati hai.
Vacation me mene parents se permission le kr fb account bnaya. Mein nhi chahti thi ki mein khud use request send karu so mein use search kr uski timeline check kr leti thi ya uski dp dekh leti thi. Mein kisi boy ko add nhi krna chahti thi because tab tak mein prem ko thoda like krne lagi thi. Mein har relation me loyal rahti hu so mene kisi bhi boy ki fb request accept nhi kiya. But prem and mere koi mutual friends nhi the so mene uske friend shahid ki request accept kr li. And mein jyada se jyada mutual friends bnana chahti thi taki mein uske suggested friends me show hone lagu aur use pta chal jaye ki mene fb account bnaya hai. Mein hamesa cell phone se hi fb chalati thi so ek din mene pc se fb chalane ka socha. But jaise hi mein fb on krti hu. Mene dekha ki prem ne mujhe request send ki hai. Mujhe trust nhi ho rha tha. Mein first time pc me fb chala rhi thi so mujhe lga ki kuchh eska fault hai. Mera heartbeat bahut tej ho gya tha mujhe trust nhi ho rha tha ki usne request send ki hai. Pta nhi sayad mera excitement ya kuchh aur. Cursor us time uski profile pr tha tabhi mere hath se mouse gir jata hai aur jab tak mein kuchh krti uski request by fault hi sahi but accept ho gyi. Actually Sach bolu to mein request accept nhi krna chahti ya phir agar krti to itne jaldi nhi krti. Mein jab tak use unfriend krti pr usse pahle hi uska message aa gya. Mein ab unfriend krti to sayad use lgta ki mein use ignore kr rhi hu.

Vo itna bhi bura nhi tha so phir mene unfriend nhi kiya. And we become fb friend. And one shocking thing ki meri friend list me vo akela boy tha(that time and also prem’s best friend) mere batch se and me bhi apni batch se akeli girl thi uski friend list. Ek bar mujhe yash(friend of hardik) ka call aya,I was sure that he is flirter type of guy. So I put off the call. Because I want that prem should be the only male in my life other than my family. I was always loyal to him.  Hamari hobbies bhi nearly same thi (aisa mujhe lgta hai). one funny but real similarity was our aggressive nature. Hum dono ko gussa bahut aata tha. Fb friends banne ke bad, mein aisa show off krne ki kosis krti thi ki mein use ignore kr rhi. But reality mein I start to love him more and more each day.

In Starting of classes of 12th, I join different coaching than him. One day he message me that I join which one. I told him the name, but he told me to join that one in which he was. So, I also did the same because never want to refuse him.
One day I come to know by my friend(shristi) that prem abuses hardik of my batch…. and she told that prem is a bad guy because he abuses hardik and told that prem called you his loving one (actual word was a hindi word). I was trying to show off that I am not interested in whatever you are saying. But I was happy for the word loving one, but trying to hide my emotions. Days are passing normally sometime I asked prem about his gf. He told that whom he loves is loves another guy.  And jab mein use force kiya tab usne btaya ki his loving one is shristi. Lekin mein khush thi kyuki my love was pure so god swear mujhe bilkul bura nhi lga, even though mene kosis ki uski bat ko uske loving one tak pahuchane ke liye. I was happy in his happiness. It was my daily routine that just after coming from coaching,I turn on fb because prem also on fb after going from coaching.. generally I got atleast a message from his side.I replied it and sometimes we also chat.Sometimes he called me to bring me notes or book,I never refuse to give him..but actually,I didn’t like to share my study materials with anyone. One day he message me that he need my physics notes and told to brought it in physics coaching.  I brought it, as I went to coaching,I found that he was not there. I thought surely he forgot about it. When the coaching is about to end, a boy comes to class. He was prem, when sir told him that so kr aa rhe ho kya. Usne kaha sir meri watch me to abhi time hua hai coaching ka (vo jhoot bol rha tha actual bat thi ki vo sirf notes lene aya tha). Everyone were smiling. But I found myself unable to control my smile. Mene jaldi se mere bagal me baithi girl ki note book ko apne face ke aage laga liya because mere class ke students bilkul stupid the, pta chlta ki hasne ko hi matter bna kr pta nhi kya bol dete. So, better tha sant rahna. Jab coaching se vapis ayi tab kafi student the so mene use notes nhi diye. Mein apni friends ke sath ja rhi thi.. but mujhe use notes bhi dene the. So, ek shop pr apni friends ko bola aaj mein party de rhi hu. Sab busy the tabhi mein shopkeeper ke pas gyi aur unhe notes diye ki apne pas koi boy ayega use de dena.  And phir mene prem ko notes lene ka bol diya us Shop se. Us din baarish ho rhi thi,usne btaya ki use baarish me bhigna pasand hai,
On a festival, I chat with him 5+ hour. But after some time he start to asked about bf of his loving one(shristi). As I was common friend between them. So, I know about bf of shristi but shristi please me to not tell about her bf to anyone. So, I didn’t tell him. And times was going on its pace. As I told that we both are of aggressive nature….. so many time we argues and I unfriend him, sometimes he also. Once I was in anger with him. So, I tried to ignore his message on fb. One day I got call from a unknown number, a boy was on the another side. It was shocking because I never give my number to any boy. The boy on the another side said that he is prem and asked the homework in the class, I simply told him. After it, I just kept off the phone, and trying to overcome from the shock that prem himself call me. I was so much happy. Then we start to chat (message) with that number. Then one day he message me that his fb account is hacked by some boys, so block it. I do as he said, because I start to blindly trust on prem. I start to chat with him on cell phone. We chat too much nearly 15 hour per day. I am too much shy so our topic of chat were study or little fun. Whenever he calls and as I receive call he cut off the call or didn’t say any word. But I didn’t much notice this thing. Because I like to chat on message than call. After 2 or 3 days, he told that some boys giving me warn because I loves you. I told him I am agree not to talk with you,… If it will safe for you because he told that boys were telling to kill him, if he will contact with me. I was weeping at that time.  One day he proposed me but I reply nothing and in kidding told that I hate you. He told he will tell me something on heart day . But I forced to tell at that instant… Finally he told that he is not prem, he is aadi. I warn aadi to never cut off my way. I instantly unblock prem on fb. The feeling that are generated by aadi for prem (by telling lie) I start to feel all those. I told prem to give his mobile number because it was not possible to told this long incident on fb. Because the girls add with me and their bf add with prem forced us to tell that we loves. As I never accept it and he too. I message him all the incident. We chat through messages. But never talk on phone. One day on deewali, I wanted that prem wish me deewali first. Whole day pass out, but he didn’t wish me. So, I was not in good mood and I left my cell phone at home and took cell phone of Mumma, as I was going to the home of my relative with papa. But I memorised his number, because I thought that if he will not wish then I will wish him but after the last hope. I called Mumma that did she get any call. She replied that yes by a boy. I was sure that it was prem. So I message him from my mumma’s cell phone. After some day when we were chatting about deewali…He told me that his no one friend wish him deewali first.  I told him that I sent him message….from mumma’s cell phone. He replied that he didn’t get any. Actually the number that I type byfault in it one digit was wrong.One day I asked him about his quarrel through chat with hardik.We argues and finally he gave password of his fb I’d and told to check by myself. When I saw it..It was really horrible. It contain dirty talk between prem and hardik.They also told something about me. Never do anything or never talk to any boy that will hurt him. But he hurts me by breaking his own promises. So, I told him that I changed my number and not message on this one and also block on fb. But he didn’t request me to not break our friendship.  I change my behavior however I thought good in his view. But he didn’t:'(.  So we stop to contact each other.  It was the month of November. After 15 days of it…. I start to falling sick. only 4 month were left for my exam. After each day, I fall more and more in grip of disease. In December, I come to know that I am suffering from a dangerous disease which hardly affect my heart,respiratory organs, and eye sight. I was going weaker after each day.My parents were so much tensed. One Side tension of exam and disease which make my unable to do anything even I was facing many problems due to disease like can’t speak normally and walk more. On the other side tensed about prem because this disease may cause death. So, totally in terror. One day prem message that what happened to you. I simply said that It is fever. He told no you are lying. But I didn’t want to tensed so not told the reality. Situation went critical. I gave my exam at anyhow. In maths paper…We simply passed smile. He thought this smile as ticket of friendship again. So, he sent me request, and we start to chat again. This time I found his more serious( as I think so). He sometime sent me sayaris and I also love this act. One day he sent…
ROSES ARE RED PINK PURPLE OR BLUE,
I KNOW YOU LOVE ME THEN I LIKE YOU TOO…
But I refuse all these because really I didn’t know about my life that it will or not. I start to get dreams like I am about to die and want to say something to him. In some dreams I found he is sad on my death and sometimes I saw I want to tell him something but can’t tell. I weep whole day and hiding my tears from my parents. Because they were also sad than me. Once he went in his cousin’s marriage..He told me that he drunk in marriage(he was lying only to tease me). He even say sorry for that and also please me. But I just hate drunkers and also got good excuse to stop contacting him.So that he will never come to know about me . everything was going according to me. I want to block him, so that it hurt him and he forget my frndship. But thing went opposite. So,It hurts me alot. God swear that time I decided to end off my life. I can’t explain what was my mental thought that time. That time I found no one to whom I will say what I was feeling. Finally I decided to tell all these thoughts to shahid(prem’s friend). Because during his breakup with a girl in my batch, he told me his thoughts during depression and I also helped him in 12th board.  So I told him everything. He told me that not to take wrong step. Shahid was the one who give me symbol that prem may be likes me (but not confirm)… at that time I was at that condition, that if anyone will tell me to die. I will…. without any argument.  One Side The pain of disease breaking me mentally and another side my friend prem. After few days, I went in the party of one of my school friend. Earlier doctor refused me to take cold drink. But they request me , so I took it. I leave shristi at her home with papa and as I went home. After few minutes my condition became nervous, earlier two time it was just like… will dead in some time. But this time my condition was extremely nervous. It was going more nervous so parents refer me for hospital after some time… condition was about to normal but doctors were not confirm to said that it will remain okay or not. On my birthday prem told me sorry through my friend. I didn’t want to emotionally hurt anyone in case of any mishappening will happen with me. So, I choose a different option than my friends because not want to be in contact with prem anyhow and not want to hurt him. After coming to the new place, for few days things were going like normal. But I was missing prem.  So I reactivate my fb I’d (fake id) to see the pics of prem. But not want to contact him. As I reactivate… I got a message by prem. It’s my problem that I can’t ignore or can’t forget him.
So I chat with him. Next day he convince me to sorry him and also told that he didn’t take any food from whole day. and told that he is suffering from any disease (might be fever) and told that if I will not sorry him, he will not ate. He also told me to ate something. We chat and after some day he told me that his cell phone is not working so he can’t reply me on time and told he was chatting with me by the cell phone of his friend shahid. In June,  his birthday was…. I didn’t remember the date so, I sent message to ask date. But at that time he had no cell phone. So , I didn’t get any reply. I want to talk to him but by our fate got no reply. I want to again quit our friendship because not sure about my upcoming future. Even after going to the new place. again the disease affect me and even I was unable to walk. Even can’t lift leg a little. At each instant need someone to help me.  But don’t want to tense Mumma papa. even I took high power analgesic to over come, more than doctor’s advice, I know it was harmful but didn’t want to inform Mumma about this problem. Earlier in November of class 12th doctor give me dosage of 6-7 tablet per day and ate all those for 15 months. When I was deleting my fb account, I was weep the whole day because I was ending the friendship with that guy who’s each word, each smile I still remember.  Unforgettable memories of him. I know….. it was only moments for him but are precious things for me. I never delete a single message of him. But that day, I deleted the whole conversation and everything which I have, in his memory. Whose each like was mine too….. whose each hobby was mine too…… whose each dislike was mine too……For whom I change myself upto that extent which anyone can’t imagine. I still remember during my 12th, when I come to know about my disease…… didn’t know when tears come in eyes, whenever thought about him in the fear of may be even can’t see him in upcoming future. But now too the situation is same…..a year is about to end,and have no info about him. I was not fb user after deletion of my account even then I always search him(his fb account) through Google. Watch him always even after seeing….. IN A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP……. :'(
But I am extremely happy for him because he is happy in his life….. and by God’s grace my medicine dosage have stopped now…… I am writing all these since 5 hours only because can’t share it with any individual or by original name……

KAISE BHULA DUN USKO MAIN,
MOUT INSAANO KO AATI HAI YAADON KO NAHI…..:'(

I still remember when I told him “pagal hai tu”….. and he replied “aur ye pagal tera friend hai”

MISSING YOU YR:'(

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