My love to my carrier – Ritesh

Baut kam log aise hote hain jo ye jaan pate hain ki unki life ka maksad kya hai. Sari umr guzar jati hai ye samajhne me ki aakhir hame life se chahiye kya, paisa, stability ya fir carrier ya pyar? Lekin agar pucha jaye to maximum percentage ya to paise ko jayega ya fir stability ko ya fir carrier ko. Pyar ki value shayad kam hogi in tino ke samne. Lekin mere sath kuch aur hi hua. Maine sirf aur sirf apni pyar ki wajah se baki tino ko paya. Main 4 saal pehle delhi aaya tha. Campus ke baad pehli posting delhi me hi hui thi meri aur is baat ki baut khushi thi mujhe, lekin kuch dino me hi main ye samajh gaya tha main yahan zada din reh nai paunga. Life kafi boaring thi wahan. Na to main wahan zada logon ko janta tha, bus kuch ek friends the aur na hi delhi pasand aai mujhe. Janta hu, baut kam log aise honge jinhe delhi me rehke delhi se pyar na hua ho but pata nai ku mujhe nai hua. Kafi time office me guzarta aur jab ghar pe thoda baut time milta to pastime hota internet. Isse zada meri life me aur kuch tha bhi nai. Yahin main apni g/f se pehli baar mila tha not in person but internet ke zariye, ek social networking site pe. Sacch batau to hamara milna bhi kafi dramatic tha aur jis tarike se hum mile usne 1 baat to prove kar di ki jo rishta banna hota hai wo ban ke hi rehta hai chahe kuch bi ho jaye. Anyways, hum kaise mile isse kahi zada mayne mere liye ye baat rakhti hai ki hamara rishta kaisa tha. Hum aaj tak ek dusre se nai mile, ab iski kya wajah hai ye samjha pana mere liye thoda mushkil hai lekin fir bhi hum dono ko ye lagta hai ki hum dono ek dusre se baut pyar karte hain. Agar main apni kahu to shayad mujhe nai malum ki pyar kya hota hai. Main suru se yahi manta tha ki hare k chiz ki koi na koi wajah hoti hai aur agar mujhe puja se pyar hua hai to iski bhi koi wajah hogi. Jo bhi ho, us wajah ko samajhne ki maine kabhi koshish nai ki, lekin ab jab bite dino ke bare me sochta hu to kuch kuch samajh me aata hai. Puja ko propose kiye mujhe kuch hi din hue the ki mujhe delhi chorni padi. Waise bhi maine delhi me rehna nai chahta tha.maine kabhi nai chaha tha ki main job karu. Job mera kabhi mann nai laga aur na jane ku ab akele reh pana pehle se kafi mushkil ho gaya tha. Mai hamesha se ghar jana chahta tha, apni family ke sath rehna chahta tha, apne papa ke sath business karna chahta tha lekin apne parents ke samne kabhi apni dil ki keh nai paya. Bachpan se unhone jo kaha maine wahi kiya. 7 saal ki umr se hi mujhe akele rehne ki aadat pad gai thi. Pehle boarding school, uske baad fir hostel aur fir job. Apni family ke sath kabhi 1 month se zada main raha hi nai lekin ab jab mujhe unke sath rehne ka mauka mil raha tha to main wo chodna nai chahta tha. Shayad isi wajah se us waqt puja ko delhi me chor ke main ghar aane ko taiyar ho gaya. Mujhe baut acchi tarah se yaad hai wo din jab main delhi se jaa raha tha. Delhi chorte waqt mujhe baut khushi ho rahi thi. Wahan jane ke baad se hi main wahan rehna nai chahta tha. Dil se kahu to main wahan kabhi bhi rehna nai chahta tha. Maine 1 saal kaise guzare wahan, mai hi janta hu. In sab baato ke bawjood , mann me kahin kuch to tha jo mujhe udas kar raha tha. Sacch kahu to us waqt puja meri family kea age ko aihmiyat nai rakhti thi. Us waqt to meri halat aisi thi ki main apni family ke sath rehne ke liye kuch bhi aur kisi ko bhi chorne ke liye taiyar tha aur shayad isi wajah se mere ander ki udasi kahin kho gai Ghar aake mano moksh mil gaya mujhe. Janne aur samajhne me kitna fark hota hai ye ab samajh me aaya tha mujhe. Main hamesha se ye baat janta tha ki mere ghar wake mujhse kitna pyar karte hain lekin unke sath rehne ke baad hi main is pyar ko samajh paya. Maine ye baat puja ko bhi batai thi lekin is feeling ko express kar pana baut mushkil tha mere liye. Ghar aaye hue kai din beet gaye. Papa ke sath business bhi suru kar diya tha maine. Puja se har roz baat bhi hoti. Ab aisa lagne laga tha mano sare sapne pure ho jayenge, life me wo sab kuch mil gaya jiski chah thi. Lekin ye khushi zada din tak nai rahi mere paas. Jaise jaise mera pyar puja ke liye badha, waise waise meri taklif bhi badhti gai. Ab mere liye uske bina reh pana mushkil hone laga tha. Main jab bhi akela hota usi ki yaad aati mujhe, usi ke bare me sochta. Halanki apne ander aaye is badlao ke bare me maine kabhi puja nai bataya, shayad mere ander jo ego tha usi ki wajah se. ‘’ main ku batau ki main tumhare liye kitna bechain hu’’ ‘’ main ku bataun ki main tumhe kitna miss karta hu, tum bhi to bata sakti ho na’’. Yahi sab soch ke us waqt main kabhi zahir nai hone di apne dil ki baat. Puja ki yaad na aaye isliye main khud ko din bhar bussy rakhta, lekin uske phone ka hamesha intezar rehta. Bewajah pareshan rehne ki aadat si pad gait hi mujhe. Sacch kahu to kabhi sapne me bhi nai socha tha ki kisi se is kadar bhi pyar hoga. Ghar ka such baut dino tak raas nai aaya mujhe. Ek din mummy ne baton-baton me mujhse meri shadi ki baat kahi. Shadi ki baat sun ke to mano hosh hi ud gaye mere. . us waqt to mummy ko dant diya maine, shayad pehli baar is kadar mummy se baat kit hi. Baad me baut bura llaga lekin kya karta, aisi baat sun ke khud pe kabu nai rakh paya. Kuch dino baad mere dada ji ne bhi mujhse shadi ki kahi, us waqt to maine kisi tarah unhe samjha diya magar, ab main ye acchi tarah se samajh gaya tha ki agar main main yahan apni family ke sath kuch aur din raha to to aaj nai to kal ye log meri shadi zarur karwa denge. Is baat se main kafi pareshan ho gaya tha. Mujhe kuch samajh me nai aa raha tha ki main kya karu. Puja ko bhi nai bata sakta tha kuki main acchi tarah se janta tha ki meri shadi ki baat sun kar wo aur bhi zada pareshan ho jayegi. Ab jobhi karna tha mujhe hi karna tha. Maine soch liya ki main apne bhai ke sath Kolkata chala jaunga. Life bhi ajib hoti hai na, hamesha gol gol ghumti hai aur wo sab kuch dikhla deti hai jo humne kabhi socha bhi nai hota hai. Saal bhar pehle main apni family ke liye kuch bhi karne ko taiyar tha, even apne pyar tak ko chor aaya tha aura b usi pyar ko pane ki liye apni family, apna carrier apna sabh kuch chorne se pehle 1 baar bhi nai socha maine. Apni zid pe Kolkata to aa gaya lekin yahan aane ke baad meri life ki struggle actually me suru hui. Ab main wapas wahin pohonch gaya tha jahan se maine suruwat ki thi delhi me, atleast wahan mere paas job to tha but yahan to wo bhi nai. Lekin is baar main akela nai tha. Puja thi mere sath aur uske sirf naam se hi mujhe itni himmat milti ki main apni sari pareshani aur apna struggle bhul jata. Shayad isi ko pyar kehte hain. kolkata aane se pehle hi mujhe pata tha ki yahan mujhe sab kuch ekdum suru se karna hoga. Ye sheher mere liye naya nai tha ku ki maine apni schooling yahin se kit hi aur apne life ke 8 saal maine yahin guzare the lekin fir bhi madad karne ko koi nai tha. Kolkata aane se pehle mere papa ne mujhse 1 baat kahi thi. Unhone kaha tha ki main life ko seriously nai leta isliye baut problem hogi mujhe aage chal ke. Aisa kehne ki wajah bhi thi, main job chor di thi ye keh ke ki mujhe papa ke sath business karna hai aur ab 1 saal bhi nai hua tha ki maine wo bhi chor di. Jo bhi ho us din maine decide kiya tha ki ab chahe job hi ho main unse kabhi bhi kiai bhi tarah ki help apne gharwalon se nai lunga. Mujhe lagta tha ki mere paas mera pyar hai aur wo kafi hai mere liye aur shayad sahib hi tha. Kolkata aane ke baad main mano puri tarah se puja pe depend ho gaya, shayad isliye ku ki suru se usne hamesha mera sath diya aur mere har decision me mere sath rahi. Delhi chorte waqt bhi usne mujhe 1 baar bhi nai roka tha. Iski wajah maine use kabhi puchi nai lekin mujhe pata tha ki wo acchi tarah se janti thi ki meri family kya maine rakhti hai mere liye, aur shayad isiliye maine Kolkata jane ka reason use nai bataya. Aaj jab sochta hu uske bare me to samajh me aata hai ki usne kya kiya mere liye. Anjane me hi sahi lekin usne meri life ko ek de diya. Kafi mehnat ke baad life kuch track pe aai. Dhire-dhire maine apna business bhi suru kar liya lekin baut taklif uthani padi. Jab Kolkata aaya tha tab na hi itne paise the na hi koi business plan. Har roz subah uth ke yahi sochta ki kha se suruwat karu, kya karu, kha se paise lau. Jab bhi puja se baat hoti, hamara bus yahi topic hoti. Hamesha main use puchta aur har baar wo mujhe papa se help lene ko kehti. Wo janti thi hamare bich ke differences ko aur shayad isi wajah se wo is baat pe zor deti taki main apne papa se baat karu lekin main hamesha use jhagra karta aur kai kai baar to use dant bhi deta lekin fir bhi wo baaz nai aati, 1 no ki ziddi thi. anyways, jaise taise karke maine kaam suru kiya, bina apne parents ki help ke aur is baat ka kabhi mujhe ghamand nai hua kuki mujhe ab pata chal raha tha ki us waqt wo mujhe kya samjhana chah rahe the. Is bich kai baar maine papa se baat karni chahi lekin himmat hi nai hui. Dhire dhire sab ek baar firse kuch thik hota dikh raha tha, tabhi 1 din puja ne bataya kimera msg uske brother ne dekh liya hai. Kuch dino tak to hamari baat nai hui, shayad baut zada pareshan ho gait hi wo us dauran. Is baat ka baut zada issue to nai hua lekin hamare msgs aur calls pehle se kafi kam ho gaye. Uske ghar wale ab uspe nazar rakhne lage shayad so hum mostly raat me hi baat karte. Is wajah se aisa lagne laga tha mano kuch chin gaya hai mera. Baut mushkil se din guzarta aur jab raat aati to khush hone ki wajah milti. Priya ki aawaz sunke kaisa lagta mujhe ye to shayad main khud ko bhi nai samjha sakta. Sis dauran baton-baton me puja ne mujhe bataya ki wo govt. Job ki prepration karna chahti hai. Mujhe ye malum tha ki priya ke daddy khud govt job me hain so mujhe aisa feel hua ki shayad wo apni daughter ke liye aisa hi koi ladka pasand kare. Fir kyat ha maine bhi suru kar di prepration. Padhna kitna mushkil hota hai ye to main suru se janta tha lekin ab jab padhai chode hue itne saal ho gaye, fir se suru karna kuch zada hi mushkil tha lekin wo kwhte hain na pyar me kabhi kuch bhi baut zada nai hota. Kitna bhi karo, kam hi lagta hai. Ek waqt tha jab job ke naam se hi mujhe nafrat hoti thi lekin ab usi chiz ko main dil se chahta tha. 4 months lage mujhe apna exam clear karne me. Sacch kahu to mujhe khud ke upar kabhi itna bharosa nai hua jitna priya ko mujhpe tha. Usne kabhi mujhe feel nai hone diya ki main akela hu. Bhale hi wo kitni bhi shaitani kare mujhe kabhi aisa feel nai hua ki wo mere sath nai hai. Hamesha mujhpe khudse zada bharosa kiya. Sirf usi ke bharose aur viswas ki wajah se maine wo sab kuch paya jise pane ki maine kabhi sapne me bhi nai socha tha. Puja ke liye mere mann me jo pyar aur respect thi wo pehle se kahin zada badh gait hi. Itna sab kuch hone ke baad bhagwan se yahi manata ki sab kuch hamesha thik rahe. Meri puja thik rahe use koi taklif na ho kabhi. Use pane ke liye main jo kuch bhi kar sakta tha main wo kar raha tha.. hum dono alag alag caste se belong karte the isliye main hamesha se ye janta tha ki hamara ek hona kitna mushkil hai. Apne pyar ko pane ke liye mujhe na sirf stable hona tha balki kuch aisa karna tha jisse mera sapna pura ho sake lekin shayad mere sapne ko kisi ki nazar lag gai. Puja ke bhai ko hamare relation ke bare me khabar ho gai aur is baar problem kuch zada hi badh gai. Galti meri hi thi aur sehna pada meri janu ko. Ek ladka hone ken ate main kabhi nai samajh paunga ki beti hogi puja pe us dauran. Kitna kuch saha hoga usne sirf meri wajah se.takriban 1 month tak hamari bilkul bhi baat nai hui aur fir uske baad kuch aisa hua jisne meri life ko bilkul badal kje rakh diya. Ab hamari baat pehle se kafi kam hoti thi. kabhi kabhi to kai kai din tak hum ek dusre se baat nai karte. Is chiz ne mujhe kafi chid chidha bana diya. Din bhar me sirf raat ko hi hamari baat hoti aur wo bhi sirh kuch der. Baut jhagra karta main puja se. Kafi ladai hoti lekin iska koi soiution nai nitha. Dhire dhire maine kucdko samjhane liya.ab to haalat aisi ho gait hi meri ki jis din puja mujhse baat nai karti us din sari raat mai so hi nai pata. Aur sirf yahi sochta rehta ki aakhir kya hua hoga jis wajah se usne aaj ph nai kiya, kahin tabiyat to kharab nai ho gai ? jitna in sab ke bare me sochta utna gussa aata khudpe. Lekin kya karta, koi rasta bhi to nai tha. Jab se aisa hua tab se 1 ajib si feeling dil me ghar kar gai. Mujhe aisa lagne laga jaise priya mujhse dur ja rahi hai aur mai kuch nai kar paa raha hu. Is baat ka darr mere dil me is kadar baith gaya ki ab jab bhi hamari baat hoti main use sirf yahi samjhata ki main use kitna pyar karta hu. Ab hamara rishta aisa ho gaya tha ki mujhe use yakin dilana padta ki main use kitna pyar karta hu. Sochne wali baat hai na ki jab rishton me aisa kuch hone lage to koi chah kar bhi kya kare. Puja mujhse hamesha kehti ki aisi koi baat nai hai, ye sirf mera waham hai. aur main uski baat maan bhi jata lekin ander hi ander main hamare relation me aa rahe badlao ko acchi tarah feel kar raha tha. Baut had tak is baat ne mujhe mentally kafi weak bana diya. Ab to hamari jab bhi baat hoti hum sirf jhagra hi karte. Pyar to jaise kahin kho sa gaya tha. Kabhi kabhi to mujhe khud pe hi shak hone lagta ki kahin aisa to nai ki main hi badal gaya hu ya fir mere pyar me hi koi kami ho aur main apni kamzori chupane ke liye puja pe dosh laga raha hu lekin fir sochta, ab bhi to uske phone calls aur uske msgs mujhe utni hi khushi dete hain jitni 2 saal pehle diya karte the. Uski aawaz sun ke mujhe aaj bhi utna hi sukun milta hai jitna pehle mila karta tha. Uske mu se i love u sunne ke liye jitna main pehle bechain rehta thautni bechaini to aaj bhi hai, jitni chinta main uski pehle karta tha ab to use kahi zada karta hu aur mera ego wo to jaise kahi gayab hi ho gaya. Jab ye sab aaj bhi nai badla fir fir mera pyar kaise kam ho gaya meri janu ke liye.. jina mushkil ho gaya tha soch soch ke. Na dhang se kaam kar pata , na thik se khana kha pata na hi so pata. 24 ghante yahi sab dimag me ghumta. Is 3 saal ke rishte me pehli baar aisa laga ki ab shayad mera sapna sacch me toot jayega. Din guzarte gaye aur hamara pyar har guzarte din ke sath kazor hota gaya. Pyar se baat karna to door, hum to kai kai din take k dusre se dhang se baat tak nai karte, sirf ek dusre ki galtiyan ginwate. Hamesha aisi batein karte jisse jisse humdono ko taklif ho. Khas kar ke main, gusse me na jane kya kya kehta main apni janu ko. Maine apne hantho se hi khud ka dekha hua sapna tod diya. Ab to humne kai dino se ek dusre se baat nai ki. Na jane puja kaisi hai, time se to use koi kaam karna hi nai aata. Na time pe soti hai, na time se uthti hai aur na hi time se khana khati hai. Aur khudko leke to wo itni careless hai ki mahine me 2-4 baar to use fever ho hi jata hai.. kitna samjhaya use par meri baat use zada din tak yaad hi nai rehti..sacch kahu to baut miss karta hu use. Baut yaad aati hai uski. Uske bina khud ko imagine hi nai kiya maine. Janta hu baut taklif di hai maine use, jitna pyar nai kiya use use kahi zada jhagra kiya hai. Kitna bhala bura kha use, ab sochta hu to pata chalta hai. Lekin main kya karu, jab life me koi itna zada imp ho jata hai to use hamari expectations bhi baut zada badh jati hain, aur hum jhagra bhi to usi se karte hain jisse pyar karte hain. shayad main apni janu ko thik se samajh nai paya lekin agar pyar saccha ho to kuch bhi kehne sunne ki zarurat hi nai padti na, fir hum dono ek dusre ko ku nai samajh paye. Mujhe hamesha apne sapno se baut pyar raha hai, baut lagan se maine mehnat ki hai unhe pura karne ke lekin ab lagta hai ki shayad sirf mehnat hi kafi nai hoti, kuch aur bhi chahiye hota hai. Pata nai wo kya chiz hai, ho sakta hai puja ko malum ho lekin usne mujhe kabhi bataya nai. Usne hamesha sirf ye kha ki mere sare sapne pure honge. Lekin use pata nai hai ki mere sare sapne to usi se suru hote hain. main use hamesha se batana chahta tha ki mera gussa, mere jhagre aur meri dant me kahin na kahin usi ki bhalai chupi hui thi warna bhala koi apni jaan se pyari chiz ko itni taklif kaise de sakta hai. Bhagwan janta hai ki maine kabhi bhi uske alawa kisi aur ke bare me socha tak nai, use hamesha mann se apna mana hai. Kabhi sapne me bhi use cheat karne ki baat nai sochi fir bhi aaj main akela hu, uske bina. Jitna mujhe uske bachpane se pyar hai utna hi uski shararton se. Kabhi use badalne ki koshish nai ki maine Kehte hain ki jab tak hum ek dusre se mile nai hamara pyar gehra nai ho sakta lekin dil ki baat kahu to har guzarte din ke sath puja ke liye mera pyar hamesha badha. Maine uski hare k chiz me use feel kiya hai. Mujhe aisa kabhi nai laga ki wo mere paas nai hai. Main hamesha se ye sari batein priya ko batana chahta tha isliye nai ki wo dekhe ki maine uske liye kya kiya balki isliye taki wo jaan paye ki usne mujhe kya kya diya wo bhi itne kam samay me. Aaj main jo kuch bhi hu, maine jo kuch bhi paya hai wo sirf apne pyar ki wajah se. Mujhe acchi tarah se malum hai ki kisi bhi long distance relationship me bharosa baut maine rakhta hai, shayad main is bharose ko kayam nai rakh paya. Aaj hamara relation aise mukam pe pohonch gaya hai jahan se palat ke dekhe to hum dono ke bich sirf dooriyan hi nazar aayengi. Pata nai main kabhi in faslon ko bhar baunga bhi ki nai lekin main itna zarur janta hoon ki puja ke liye mera pyar na kabhi kam hua than a hi kabhi hoga because true love kabhi khatam nai hota.

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